Friday, May 20, 2011

The End of the World is Nigh

Jesus comes back to earth tomorrow at 6 p.m. Not sure how that will work exactly--does that mean our British neighbors will be raptured first? Who knows.

Oh, Harold. No refunds for those who have donated to you? Are you really so sure that Judgement Day is May 21 that you can't promise to give people their money back?

"May 22 will be the second day of Judgement. We don't know what's gonna happen to Family Radio on that first day or to the banks or anybody else. We have no idea. But it's gonna be horrible. It's gonna be a horror story that we absolutely cannot conceive. Millions of people will die on that day and every day thereafter. This kind of conversation--what will we do the next day?--it's nonsense, it's utter nonsense! Because it is going to happen. This is what the Bible teaches. This is not something where there is a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny chance it might happen; it is going to happen."

Famous last words. Prepare to eat some serious crow.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Post-Rapture Pet Care

There's one nagging detail about the impending Rapture that needs to be dealt with quickly: what will happen to my pets after the Rapture?

Never fear, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA and After the Rapture Pet Care are here!

...and there may be others. These two organizations are not joking, and they're raking in the dough--well, not really. After the Rapture charges a measly $10, and Eternal Earth-Bound charges $135 with an additional $20 for every animal after that. This raises several ethical questions--will the money be refunded when the Rapture never happens?--but if you're stupid enough to believe in the Rapture, I don't have any sympathy for your money loss.

It's a brilliant business model, really; your gross profit is your net profit because you have no expenses or supplies to buy. Savvy!

I found this question and answer from Eternal Earth-Bound especially amusing:
Q: How do you ensure your representatives won't be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don't ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with
Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

There you have it, satisfaction guaranteed! Rest assured that your beloved animals will be safe, at least until Earth is engulfed in flames and they fry like bacon with the rest of us.

I just want to know: does Jesus hate animals, or have they all solemnly blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29?


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Who knew Jesus was Australian?

...or that he would come before May 21?

Apparently Alan John Miller believes he is Jesus (which he realized after some aggressive spiritual discovery) and that his girlfriend is Mary Magdalene. Miller says,

Just a little over 2000 years ago, we arrived on the earth for the first time. My name then was Yeshua ben Yosef, or the Jesus of the Bible, the son of Joseph and Mary. Mary's name then was Mary of Magdala, the woman identified in the Bible as Mary Magdalene. Mary was my wife then, and the first person I appeared to after I was crucified.

Because of my personal desire and passion for God, as I grew, I recognized not only that I was the Messiah that was foretold by ancient prophets, but also that I was in a process designed by God that all humans could follow, if they so desired.

I called this process becoming "Born Again". It is the process of the human soul being transformed into the Divine, the process of becoming At-One with God. Many persons who were connected with me in the 1st century came to know and follow this path while on earth, the most notable person being Mary Magdalene, who is my soulmate, and who was actually married to me in the 1st century, and was pregnant with our daughter when I died.

Did you get all that? He was Jesus, son of Mary, who was actually Mary Magdalene, who was his pregnant wife at the time of his crucifixion. Wait... what??! Mary was his mother, and his wife? That's just weird, dude.

You can read more of this malarky at his website There is some delightfully bizarre insanity to be found.

This is one I'll be watching, just to see how long his Jesus fantasy lasts and what becomes of his followers when they wake up. I'll never understand how willing people are to believe batshit crazy religious nutjobs, but at least it's entertaining.

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Latest from the Regretful Moms

Childfreeeee at the Childfreedom blog just made an eye-opening post, a small collection of stories from women who regret being a mother. I wish the world were a bit more honest; the fact is that many people regret having children, but live silently in hell for fear of judgment. It's time to shed some light on the subject and help people make educated decisions, instead of not being allowed to admit it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

Here are a few gems (minorly edited for brevity):
I was concerned about missing out too, but now that I have kids, I am the one who is totally missing out on life!!

I am missing out on little things like: sleep, regular showers, eating a meal in peace while actually sitting down, NOT tripping over toys, wearing a clean shirt for a whole hour with no drool or food on it….

I am missing out on big things like: my freedom, my independence, quality and quantity time with my husband, tons of money, my career (you are right, the woman’s life is changed so much more), my body, my social life…

I used to have hobbies, interests, workout several time per week and be full of energy, volunteer, read and be aware of current events, travel and experience new places/cultures, be good at my job…now ALL of those are GONE…ALL GONE!

The toll on a woman’s body is huge! I have been dealing with pain, incontinence and sexual problems for over 2 years! I had so much damage from the birth process (just a large baby who forcefully ripped my flesh and pelvis apart)...I just want to be pain-free, be able to hold my pee, enjoy sex with my husband again.

I have three young boys and life is just one wheel of exhaustion and routine. The endless round of domestic chores – feeding, washing and clearing up just never ever ends. I literally feel like I spend my whole life doing it. ...There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it when the house is quiet but oh the irony as more often than not some one wakes at 11pm crying so I never get it done...being a mother is a 24hrs a day, 7 days a week job…’s like being on call all of the time. I miss my old life so much. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged, I am tired and exhausted all the time and am eating badly just to get me through each day…..I’ve had some really terrible thoughts like walking out of the door and never coming back but I think the guilt would kill me, so the next best option would be to end my own life…..but I’m such a coward I would never really do it…..I just ‘dream’ of being able to sleep and not wake up to a messy house and people fighting. I read about a lawyer a few months ago, who had just returned to work after her third daughter and she threw herself over into the Thames river in London. All I could think was how sad for her family but I did understand ‘why’ she did it. She must have felt so over whelmed with it all….a job, three young kids, a husband, a house to run…..I understand her.

If you listen closely, you can hear my uterus committing suicide.