Showing posts with label eucharist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eucharist. Show all posts

Friday, January 21, 2011

Jesus to the Altar Boy: Catch me if you can!

I found this rather hilarious excerpt in researching for my last post. Note the parts in bold.

From the Emmanuel Altar Boy Guide:

3. Patens – when you carry the paten, your job is to catch Jesus, the host, or any part of Jesus that may fall. Remember to keep one hand on your chest. The host is Jesus in the form of bread and we do not want him falling. Your job is to catch even the smallest particle that may fall. People are allowed to receive on the tongue or in the hand. If the person is receiving on the tongue, be sure and place the paten under the chin, about 2 inches and be careful not to touch the person in any way. It has been shown that receiving on the hand causes the most drops. This is also the most difficult position to catch Jesus if He were to fall. Place the paten under the hands of the person. Once Jesus is in their hand, it is then up to the person to not drop Jesus. If Jesus were to fall on the paten, you should make sure the priest sees this and he will decide what to do. In some cases, the priest will leave the host on the paten and give the person another host. This is the priest’s decision. Same is true if Jesus falls on the floor. You MUST make sure the priest is made aware of this immediately. This is a serious matter and the priest must know if he doesn’t see it, you must tell him, quietly and with reverence. Be sure at all times, to keep the paten horizontal. There may be particles of Jesus that you can not see and you to not want to drop these. Return the paten to the extraordinary minister or altar when complete and the priest will ensure Jesus is not present on the paten by purifying it.


So I guess if the Lord is dropped, he sits silently on the floor moping, until the altar boy notices him. Pity parties are for losers, Jesus. Can someone please get the almighty Christ a parachute?

Poor Jesus! He's got parts falling off, rolling around on the floor all helpless and stuff like an upside down turtle. He could plan for himself a better fate, but unfortunately he is at the mercy of butterfingered idiots.

This is my body, which has been given up for you

Yesterday I was doing a little research on Catholicism and people's reasons for believing it. My adventures led me into Eucharistic miracles, of which there are several notable, which I'll get into on a separate post. But I want to ramble a bit about the Catholic teaching of the Eucharist first.

Now, the Catholics believe that the Eucharist (that round, unleavened wafer) is the body, blood, soul and divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ, literally--but under the appearances of bread and wine. Symbolically, the wine represents his blood and the bread represents his flesh; however, Catholic dogma states that each is equally divine. To become the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus the wafer has to first undergo Transubstantiation, which is a fancy way of saying that at the critical point in the Mass when the priest requests God to change the bread into Jesus, that God hears his prayer and suddenly the bread is Jesus. God hears his prayer because at the Last Supper, Jesus spelled out how the Eucharist act would go down. If you've ever been to a Mass and heard a bell ring, this is why. Many times, especially back before speaker systems, the faithful could not hear a darn thing going on, so a loud bell was jingled so that everyone would know that the Transubstantiation had taken place. This event is the whole point of a Catholic Mass, and the most important dogma to the Catholics (right up there with papal infallibility and Mary's virginity).

Consecrated hosts are kept inside the church at all times, usually locked up in an ornate box called the Tabernacle. This perpetual presence of the living Christ is why Catholics genuflect before getting into the pew, and while walking around. I've known Catholics who won't walk with their back to the Tabernacle. Sometimes, if they are doing some sort of task that requires they walk across the church, they will diligently genuflect each time they pass back by...even when they're walking outside the church. Traditional Catholics, the Latin-Mass kind (and the kind I grew up with), often require their women to wear a veil (usually lace) over their heads any time they are inside a church. To see why Catholics create such a fuss over the veil, go to the FishEater's explanation on Catholic Veiling. Like many of the odd things Catholics obsess on, veiling is too exhaustive to summarize in this post.

The Eucharistic is the explanation for a lot of things about Catholics. They really care about being quiet in church because of respect for Jesus, as well as dressing modestly. The act of receiving Eucharist--in addition to being done while kneeling, only on the tongue and sometimes while hands being covered--must be done with the purest soul possible. If you dare receive the Eucharist with a mortal sin on your soul, you can multiply your guilt and damnation to hell by about 1,000. Venial and actual sins weren't the best to have while receiving, but it was acceptable if necessary. It is generally accepted that the spirit of Jesus will leave you about 15 minutes after you receive, at which time you can cease holy contemplation of God and go back to things like eating, talking, and daydreaming about that hottie wearing the floor-length plaid jumper.

I remember being taught, in all seriousness, about Jesus particles--google it if you don't believe me. Little invisible particles of Jesus floating around that must be prevented from spreading, and must be revered just the same as Christ himself. Traditional Catholics go absolutely psycho about this. So, to prevent Jesus particles they first use what's called a paten which catches any errant particles. The priest is the only one allowed to touch the host, so the host must go directly into a person's mouth. And don't chew, it's not polite. Traditional Catholics are quite scandalized by more modern Catholics who receive in the hand (spreading Jesus particles all over the place), don't have an altar rail and don't kneel or even genuflect to receive, and--gasp--chew Jesus like a snack. There's quite a division over this! I know personally traditional Catholics who will not attend a Novus Ordo Mass even when no other option is available, because of the lack of reverence and traditional music and such--all the while acknowledging that the Novus Ordo is a valid Mass (the word "valid" carries a LOT of weight in this context, trust me), and knowing that missing Mass is a mortal sin. Go figure. They will plan their travel around where a Latin Mass is. They will drive 3 hours one way every week to attend the nearest one, dragging along their dozen children in a commercial van. They will, like my mother, only move to cities where these Masses are readily available and supported by the local bishop. If a bishop is not Latin Mass friendly he might as well be the spawn of Satan, for all the hissing venom they throw his way.

This is one of the reasons why Catholics think they are so special, because God gave them the Eucharist and no one else. But the drama doesn't stop there. There have been endless arguments over the validity (again, that sacred word) of the Eucharist if the conditions aren't just right. Did the priest say the exact words just right? Did he correctly wash his hands with the special water first? Does it matter if the priest is a believer himself? Is he correctly ordained? And so it goes. There are very detailed, special requirements for priests' ordination. You've never met a religion more legalistic and detail-oriented than Catholicism.