Friday, January 21, 2011

Jesus to the Altar Boy: Catch me if you can!

I found this rather hilarious excerpt in researching for my last post. Note the parts in bold.

From the Emmanuel Altar Boy Guide:

3. Patens – when you carry the paten, your job is to catch Jesus, the host, or any part of Jesus that may fall. Remember to keep one hand on your chest. The host is Jesus in the form of bread and we do not want him falling. Your job is to catch even the smallest particle that may fall. People are allowed to receive on the tongue or in the hand. If the person is receiving on the tongue, be sure and place the paten under the chin, about 2 inches and be careful not to touch the person in any way. It has been shown that receiving on the hand causes the most drops. This is also the most difficult position to catch Jesus if He were to fall. Place the paten under the hands of the person. Once Jesus is in their hand, it is then up to the person to not drop Jesus. If Jesus were to fall on the paten, you should make sure the priest sees this and he will decide what to do. In some cases, the priest will leave the host on the paten and give the person another host. This is the priest’s decision. Same is true if Jesus falls on the floor. You MUST make sure the priest is made aware of this immediately. This is a serious matter and the priest must know if he doesn’t see it, you must tell him, quietly and with reverence. Be sure at all times, to keep the paten horizontal. There may be particles of Jesus that you can not see and you to not want to drop these. Return the paten to the extraordinary minister or altar when complete and the priest will ensure Jesus is not present on the paten by purifying it.

So I guess if the Lord is dropped, he sits silently on the floor moping, until the altar boy notices him. Pity parties are for losers, Jesus. Can someone please get the almighty Christ a parachute?

Poor Jesus! He's got parts falling off, rolling around on the floor all helpless and stuff like an upside down turtle. He could plan for himself a better fate, but unfortunately he is at the mercy of butterfingered idiots.

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