Wednesday, October 19, 2011

50 Reasons I Chose to Be Childfree

People are so incredibly surprised--dumfounded, offended, even!--to discover that people choose to not breed little crotchfruit. Thus, my personal list of 50 reasons why I am Childfree. Something I can direct people to so that they may wrap their minds around why I am a cold and heartless, baby-eating wench.

I'll attempt to list these in a general order of greatest to least reasons, but hold on to your hats! My mind is an insane trip, and you never know when random thoughts will attack.

1. I crave the freedom to dream, explore and travel and it would be much more difficult (if not impossible) for me to do that with children.
2. World overpopulation. Finite resources on Earth. Enough damn people already. God isn't going to swoop in and provide for us all when times get too tough.
3. Home is my sanctuary. Children are chaos. The two do not mix.
4. Having to plan around a child's picky food tastes and/or packing lunches 5 days a week sounds like pure hell.
5. You know what else is hell? Not being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower without being interrupted.
6. It costs would cost me over $280K to raise a (1) child starting in 2010 according to the USDA ( in my current financial and home situation. Uhm, HELL TO THE NO.
7. Why would I pay money to be enslaved for 18+ years?
8. The money I save on not having children will go towards cool shit like a house, nice vehicles, vacations, fine cheeses and wine, my animals, massages and oh yeah--a really nice retirement home when I can no longer take care of myself. I am totally happy with that.
9. I love, love, LOVE having a clean house and undamaged furniture, car, etc. Kids destroy things, and they dirty things. No thanks!
10. No temper tantrums from anyone other than me.
11. I need to be able to go to bed early occasionally, and sleep in on the weekends. NEED.
12. I am too selfish to have any desire to put my life on hold to raise someone else. I don't see the point of wasting my life like that.
13. No kiddie playtime, storytime, naptime, and bedtime. Instead I get grownup fun, grownup movies (uninterrupted!), plenty of sleep and as much sex as I like! Woohoo!
14. I never have to have my snuggle time with my man ruined by a snot-nosed brat crawling into bed with us.
15. No dirty diapers, spit up, poop, pee, vomit or any other errant body fluids from anyone other than possibly a new puppy or myself when I am ancient.
16. I get bored with playing games with kids pretty easily.
17. Sex. Lots of sex. Uninterrupted.
18. Even more sex.
19. Alcohol at anytime. Sex at anytime.
20. Not having to endure kiddie birthday parties.
21. I only get one shot at life. I'll be damned if I waste it "living vicariously" through children.
22. No minivans or soccer mom SUVs, woooooooooooo!!!
23. I'll never have to miss work or fun stuff because of a sick child.
24. No teenage angst.
25. I don't have to worry about teaching my kid about the birds and the bees and hope he doesn't get a girl pregnant.
26. I get stressed when life gets too busy or too messy or I don't have enough relaxation and quiet time. I know for a fact that I would lose my mind if I had a child because I would never have relaxation or quiet time (not without paying someone, and even then it's only temporary), and life would always be busy and messy.
27. I have time and energy for exercise, rest and meditation--3 things that keep me healthy and sane.
28. No fights between me and my man over parenting styles or philosophies.
29. I have time, energy and money to be there for my friends when they are down, broke or otherwise discouraged. This means A LOT to me to be able to do this. I would not have survived had it been for some friends who took care of me and helped me put my life back together. I want to be able to give that back to them, and to future friends.
30. I can be spontaneous and decide to go to Wal-Mart at midnight. Or leave work early and drink beers at the lake. Or have sex at 2 p.m. Or raid the candy aisle. Whatever.
31. I'll never have to juggle grocery bags, a diaper bag, purse and baby while trying to answer a phone call, unpack my shit and get the kid loaded into the car seat while a criminal takes advantage of my distraction and robs me.
32. No Barney. No Dora the Explorer. No Yo Gabba Gabba. None of that crap!
33. No tripping over toys or bookbags.
34. Since it takes $288,000 for me to raise a child from 0-18 (not counting college), that's $16,000 a year, $1,333 a month. $1,333 a month, people! No, no, no. Way too expensive. That will go to property, savings, retirement, vacation and charity. Not kids.
35. Why would I want a thankless, endless, miserable job? I don't. The 1% Kodak moments don't make up for it.
36. I find PLENTY of joy and fulfillment in myself, my man, my friendships, my hobbies and interests, reading, etc... Children would rob me of 90% of the joy I experience in my life and I would never get over mourning that loss.
37. I'm not going to spend my youth raising children. These are my best years! I'll never get them back!
38. I don't think I could bond very well with an ugly kid, and who knows what you're gonna get.
39. I am not comfortable with the risk of having an unhealthy or disabled child. I couldn't handle it.
40. Teenagers are assholes.
41. Parenting is a very serious job with huge responsibilities. I know this way too well. I know the sacrifice it entails if you're going to do it properly. There is the potential for payoff in the end, but it's a gamble, and I don't want to spend my life living for someone else.
42. When I am too old and I need someone to care for me, they will be paid for doing so. I won't expect someone else to do it for free just because they are related to me.
43. Dying old and alone? Bitch, please. There are 7 billion people on this planet. There is plenty of potential for friendships.
44. I will nurture relationships with those I love and who love me, and they will be there for me throughout life. I don't need kids for care or companionship.
45. I can hang out with kids I know and love and spend quality time with them (and as much or as little money as I want), and give them back to their parents when it's time.
46. Don't have to watch a kid all the time to make sure he doesn't destroy something or hurt himself. I can relax.
47. Don't have to censor what I say or do in my own home.
48. Don't have to hide any tasty food I may have from a greedy toddler.
49. I won't have to be concerned with the education, from school smarts to street smarts and everything else, of children.
50. I am free to be myself, do what I enjoy and live life to the fullest without the burden of a child who would ruin everything.

No comments:

Post a Comment