Who knew Jesus was Australian?

...or that he would come before May 21?

Apparently Alan John Miller believes he is Jesus (which he realized after some aggressive spiritual discovery) and that his girlfriend is Mary Magdalene. Miller says,

Just a little over 2000 years ago, we arrived on the earth for the first time. My name then was Yeshua ben Yosef, or the Jesus of the Bible, the son of Joseph and Mary. Mary's name then was Mary of Magdala, the woman identified in the Bible as Mary Magdalene. Mary was my wife then, and the first person I appeared to after I was crucified.

Because of my personal desire and passion for God, as I grew, I recognized not only that I was the Messiah that was foretold by ancient prophets, but also that I was in a process designed by God that all humans could follow, if they so desired.

I called this process becoming "Born Again". It is the process of the human soul being transformed into the Divine, the process of becoming At-One with God. Many persons who were connected with me in the 1st century came to know and follow this path while on earth, the most notable person being Mary Magdalene, who is my soulmate, and who was actually married to me in the 1st century, and was pregnant with our daughter when I died.

Did you get all that? He was Jesus, son of Mary, who was actually Mary Magdalene, who was his pregnant wife at the time of his crucifixion. Wait... what??! Mary was his mother, and his wife? That's just weird, dude.

You can read more of this malarky at his website DivineTruth.com. There is some delightfully bizarre insanity to be found.

This is one I'll be watching, just to see how long his Jesus fantasy lasts and what becomes of his followers when they wake up. I'll never understand how willing people are to believe batshit crazy religious nutjobs, but at least it's entertaining.

Last Supper: Rescheduled

Professor Colin Humphreys (University of Cambridge) believes he has strong evidence that Jesus' Last Supper actually took place on a Wednesday, not Thursday.

This changes everything. Now the spring-fertility-ritual turned Christian holiday could be celebrated on Saturday, and Good Friday will forever now just be Mediocre! No matter; unless the jelly beans and hollow chocolate bunnies stop coming, Easter will survive.

Lord Jesus, I know you find all the bickering amongst your peon subjects amusing, but rather than let us prattle on about ridiculous things like Biblical consistencies and universal truths, why don't you just fly down to Earth for a minute and set us all straight?

In all seriousness, the seriousness with which people treat this kind of crap is disturbing. If there were one God, and he were omnipotent and omniscient, and he cared about humans understanding his religious message correctly, he would have left things a bit more clear. Heck, he wouldn't have ever left! God would be real in our daily lives, all dissenting religions would disappear, and belief based on evidence would be a reality. But, as religious people believe, part of God's invisibility and and requirement of blind faith are character-building. You see, it would be all too easy for God to make himself known...faith has to be difficult and completely irrational and beyond our mere human understanding. God will reward all those who believe the contradicting religious messages and somehow guess the right one. God making sense (and being visible, demonstrable, consistent, etc.) is not part of his plan--a point which Christians love to make, as if that makes it all better.

It couldn't possibly be that all this is man-made hogwash, now could it?

Jesus to the Altar Boy: Catch me if you can!

I found this rather hilarious excerpt in researching for my last post. Note the parts in bold.

From the Emmanuel Altar Boy Guide:

3. Patens – when you carry the paten, your job is to catch Jesus, the host, or any part of Jesus that may fall. Remember to keep one hand on your chest. The host is Jesus in the form of bread and we do not want him falling. Your job is to catch even the smallest particle that may fall. People are allowed to receive on the tongue or in the hand. If the person is receiving on the tongue, be sure and place the paten under the chin, about 2 inches and be careful not to touch the person in any way. It has been shown that receiving on the hand causes the most drops. This is also the most difficult position to catch Jesus if He were to fall. Place the paten under the hands of the person. Once Jesus is in their hand, it is then up to the person to not drop Jesus. If Jesus were to fall on the paten, you should make sure the priest sees this and he will decide what to do. In some cases, the priest will leave the host on the paten and give the person another host. This is the priest’s decision. Same is true if Jesus falls on the floor. You MUST make sure the priest is made aware of this immediately. This is a serious matter and the priest must know if he doesn’t see it, you must tell him, quietly and with reverence. Be sure at all times, to keep the paten horizontal. There may be particles of Jesus that you can not see and you to not want to drop these. Return the paten to the extraordinary minister or altar when complete and the priest will ensure Jesus is not present on the paten by purifying it.

So I guess if the Lord is dropped, he sits silently on the floor moping, until the altar boy notices him. Pity parties are for losers, Jesus. Can someone please get the almighty Christ a parachute?

Poor Jesus! He's got parts falling off, rolling around on the floor all helpless and stuff like an upside down turtle. He could plan for himself a better fate, but unfortunately he is at the mercy of butterfingered idiots.

The Hidden Story of Jesus

Today I watched the documentary, The Hidden Story of Jesus, produced by Channel 4 Television Corporation and hosted by Robert Beckford. I have to say that it was pretty excellent. Beckford mentions from the beginning that he is a Christian, so I was skeptical about the theist spin but I was very pleasantly surprised.

His quest is to understand who Jesus was, and examine the different beliefs about him from religions such as Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Judaism and Hinduism. Very interesting stuff.

Of course, the documentary did not examine whether or not Jesus was an actual historical figure, or if God even exists, but it was still very honest when it stuck to the character of Jesus and his teachings.

I was very impressed at Beckford's bravery, being a Christian and all, to step outside the box and fearlessly research this subject with such open mindedness. Ultimately he concluded that it does not matter what you believe about Jesus or his divinity, but if you can focus on the positive aspects of his teachings, the world would be a better place.

By that narrow definition, I can definitely agree with that. If the only religious beliefs seriously pursued were of peace and love, etc. etc., the world would be better. Anyway, you can view the entire video for free here: