It's hard not to be smug

It's only because breeding is the norm and default (and frequently a religious mandate) that is seems so strange to not do it. For those of us childfree who came to it later, we feel like we won the lottery. We're free, yippee!!!!! It's like being handed a million dollars. It's this huge burden lifted off our shoulders. We thought we knew two things: we had to have kids at some point, and we didn't want to, thus a major conflict that can take years to sort out. When we finally realize that breeding is completely optional we are happy and at peace. This mindset has been considered immoral, bizarre, selfish and unusual and it wasn't until the last few decades that this is beginning to change.



This is generally how we see ourselves, and how we see our childed friends and family. Many childed believe that the childfree are bored, selfish, unfulfilled and miserable; many childfree see the childed as frazzled, overworked, unpaid, unappreciated, stressed, boring, mentally stifled... I could go on.

I often wonder why there are such vast differences in mindset when it comes to having children. Are we just wired differently? Why do some women have baby rabies and some women are repulsed by children?

I have friends whose dream it is to become mothers. In one case, it's nearly an obsession. I just can't relate. I can't fathom throwing away my time, my body, my energy, my money, my happy relationship towards such a miserable endeavor. There's not even a guarantee that your children will be healthy, productive, or even good people! Those are HUGE factors. Every murderer, rapist, serial killer, oppressive dictator and thief is someone's child. Every clueless idiot who doesn't have two brain cells to rub together is someone's child. Every disabled, mentally ill, suicidal, paraplegic, cancerous person is someone's child.

Still this compulsion to breed is very strong. It's got to be biology. What person in their right mind would want to take such a risk? Who wants to fix breakfast, lunch and dinner for someone else 3x a day, 365x a year for at least 18 years? Who wants to sacrifice romance in their relationship? Who wants to deal in spit up, vomit, poop, drool, pee and frequent illness for each child? Who wants to worry about a child's education and entertainment, and all the time and expense that goes into those? Parents do, apparently. To the childfree, all that looks like hell.

And parents, you guys make it easy to see the misery to anyone who is paying attention. If you have baby obsession and your eyes glaze over at the sight of a child, you're hopeless. But to anyone who analyzes child rearing critically, it's pretty obvious that shit sucks. Parents, we see your tired eyes and saggy boobs. We know that you moms pee a little when you sneeze, and that your vaginas are now as spacious as a grand hallway, and your husbands' penises the proverbial hot dogs within them. We see your kids tugging on your shirt, whining for something, and throwing tantrums. We hear about your adventures in vomit, poop and mysterious illnesses on your Facebook statuses. We hear about your marriage problems because you have neither time nor energy to maintain your relationships, not to mention major disagreements about money and child rearing. We know that you miss the happy, energetic woman your wife used to be, and you resent having to work to support her SAHMness, even though the house is always gross and kids are brats.

Knowing that this is a choice, and as adults we are able to think about the decisions we make, I don't feel bad for parents and I truly hope they are happy with their choice. Many of them are, though I can't understand it personally. One man's trash is another man's treasure, I suppose.

But it's impossible for me to not feel really happy with my choice when I see all these things going on around me. There's nothing about children or the child-raising experience that could ever make all the bad things worth it for me. Every time I see my friends' Facebook posts about having to take their baby to the doctor 5 times in 1 week for his ear infection, or a rant about a teenager's rebellion, a big smile creeps up on my face. When I come home to my clean, quiet house, I rejoice. When I sleep through the night, every night, and sleep in every weekend, it feels great. When I drink wine in my bubble bath, I'm not missing anything. When I don't trip over toys, or don't have to ever cook for kids, when my furniture stays in good shape, my body intact, my relationship happy... I don't miss a damn thing.

I can take vacations and spend money without have to worry about babysitting, kid-friendly crap or budgeting for my kids' needs and wants. I have time. I have freedom. I have peace. I have financial security, and can plan for my later years. I have time to nurture friendships and experience life. I have more of myself to give to charity, being able to reach out of my daily bubble, because I'm not wrapped up in my own little world of daily child rearing. I am not adding any more to environmental devastation and overpopulation. I can zip through my errands and grocery shopping without hauling a kid around, dealing with temper tantrums or hassling with diaper bags and car seats. I am efficient. I don't miss work unless I want to. Sticky toddler kisses and occasional Kodak moments aren't worth it. I don't have to listen to kids' music or TV shows 500 times a week.

I think I'll go enjoy a bottle of fine wine and fancy cheese, and read in my quiet home.

It's hard not to be smug. /schadenfreude.

Children are so expensive!

VisualEconomics.com put out a nice chart on the cost of raising a kid:

These numbers are based on 2009 figures. It is considerably more conservative than solely the estimate from the USDA of $280K.

I think I'll pass.

--BadSec

The Baby Trap

I began reading Ellen Peck's The Baby Trap book today, and so far am enjoying it very much. Though originally published in 1971, I am so far blown away by how current it feels, 40 years later. I will have to write a better informed review later, but I came across this quote and just had to share it:

"Being mature assumes a certain amount of personal power, and the right to decide in what way that power will be exercised. And selfishness, in the sense of being aware of, and proud of, the self, is certainly a factor in a balanced personality. It's the weak personalities that completely resign themselves to the role of consumer of child-centered gee-gaws who are in trouble. Being aware of one's own adult sensuality, personality, and material preferences is good.

Peck wrote this in a response to people thinking that people who want adult things (a den, zebra throw, bar and a woman) and not child things (baby shoes, cradles, musical potties) are immature and selfish. I just love her meticulous response to what we childfree call a "bingo".

You can read The Baby Trap in its entirety, for free, here.

--BadSec

How Many People Can Live on Planet Earth?

This is an excellent BBC documentary on overpopulation, conservation and consumption of Earth's resources. Maybe this sounds like boring stuff to you, but it's quite necessary to your survival. The fact is, humans are reproducing at an alarming rate and we are currently at that point where our resources are strained, and people are beginning to suffer greatly because of it.

Think about your daily life. The clothes you wear, the things you drink, food you eat, showers you take, your cleaning, care of your pets, the things you do for fun... all of these things require food and water directly or indirectly. It is a simple math problem--the amount of water on the planet is static, but our population is increasing by leaps and bounds. Something has to give.

Ideally, we will do three things to avoid death, suffering and wars over resources: 1) improve technology to make better use of the limited resources we do have, 2) conserve, conserve, conserve! 3) have fewer children--or better yet--no children at all. We can survive this if we do these three things, and do them aggressively.

It's not about being a treehugger nutjob. It's a matter of selfishly wanting to survive. The poorer nations will be the first to suffer--they already are. But it will get the wealthier nations eventually too, if something isn't done. THINK, don't breed.

We can turn this around in one generation... every couple has 0-1 children, and things will get vastly better. It's that simple. Easy? No. But simple. It's an emergency situation, and the time is now.

Do you want to go to war for water? Do you want to see your kids suffer because they don't have enough to eat? Do you want your entire existence shrunk down to an obsession for survival only? I doubt it. So act.

God is not going to come down from the heavens and save us from all this if we pray hard enough. If he were, he should have been here already. He's not coming. We are on our own. Oh, and overpopulation does not mean "not enough room to fit people"--we have plenty of space. (I was actually taught that overpopulation meant not enough space) It means not enough food, water and energy. Duh.

Put Down the Pacifier Day

That's right, folks. November 4, 2011 is officially Put Down the Pacifier Day. This is bad news for toddlers and infantilists alike.

Even my worst days are better than if I were a parent having to deal with the myriad of problems parenting entails. Three cheers for being childfree!

No sooner had I posted this on my Facebook than a breeder took notice. I posted it because I find it ridiculous and hilarious that 1) parents can't get their kids to give up the pacifier, and 2) they need to put their kids in front of the TV so that a fictional character can tell them what to do. Hmmm, seems that Elmo has more parenting abilities than the parents. Anyway. This breeder commented, "omg. thank you sooo much for putting this up. i need Emily* to give her's up and she absolutely loves elmo. i hope this helps us." *facepalm*

*sigh* Glad I could help.

--BadSec

* Name changed

50 Reasons I Chose to Be Childfree

People are so incredibly surprised--dumfounded, offended, even!--to discover that people choose to not breed little crotchfruit. Thus, my personal list of 50 reasons why I am Childfree. Something I can direct people to so that they may wrap their minds around why I am a cold and heartless, baby-eating wench.

I'll attempt to list these in a general order of greatest to least reasons, but hold on to your hats! My mind is an insane trip, and you never know when random thoughts will attack.

1. I crave the freedom to dream, explore and travel and it would be much more difficult (if not impossible) for me to do that with children.
2. World overpopulation. Finite resources on Earth. Enough damn people already. God isn't going to swoop in and provide for us all when times get too tough.
3. Home is my sanctuary. Children are chaos. The two do not mix.
4. Having to plan around a child's picky food tastes and/or packing lunches 5 days a week sounds like pure hell.
5. You know what else is hell? Not being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower without being interrupted.
6. It costs would cost me over $280K to raise a (1) child starting in 2010 according to the USDA (http://www.cnpp.usda.gov/calculator.htm) in my current financial and home situation. Uhm, HELL TO THE NO.
7. Why would I pay money to be enslaved for 18+ years?
8. The money I save on not having children will go towards cool shit like a house, nice vehicles, vacations, fine cheeses and wine, my animals, massages and oh yeah--a really nice retirement home when I can no longer take care of myself. I am totally happy with that.
9. I love, love, LOVE having a clean house and undamaged furniture, car, etc. Kids destroy things, and they dirty things. No thanks!
10. No temper tantrums from anyone other than me.
11. I need to be able to go to bed early occasionally, and sleep in on the weekends. NEED.
12. I am too selfish to have any desire to put my life on hold to raise someone else. I don't see the point of wasting my life like that.
13. No kiddie playtime, storytime, naptime, and bedtime. Instead I get grownup fun, grownup movies (uninterrupted!), plenty of sleep and as much sex as I like! Woohoo!
14. I never have to have my snuggle time with my man ruined by a snot-nosed brat crawling into bed with us.
15. No dirty diapers, spit up, poop, pee, vomit or any other errant body fluids from anyone other than possibly a new puppy or myself when I am ancient.
16. I get bored with playing games with kids pretty easily.
17. Sex. Lots of sex. Uninterrupted.
18. Even more sex.
19. Alcohol at anytime. Sex at anytime.
20. Not having to endure kiddie birthday parties.
21. I only get one shot at life. I'll be damned if I waste it "living vicariously" through children.
22. No minivans or soccer mom SUVs, woooooooooooo!!!
23. I'll never have to miss work or fun stuff because of a sick child.
24. No teenage angst.
25. I don't have to worry about teaching my kid about the birds and the bees and hope he doesn't get a girl pregnant.
26. I get stressed when life gets too busy or too messy or I don't have enough relaxation and quiet time. I know for a fact that I would lose my mind if I had a child because I would never have relaxation or quiet time (not without paying someone, and even then it's only temporary), and life would always be busy and messy.
27. I have time and energy for exercise, rest and meditation--3 things that keep me healthy and sane.
28. No fights between me and my man over parenting styles or philosophies.
29. I have time, energy and money to be there for my friends when they are down, broke or otherwise discouraged. This means A LOT to me to be able to do this. I would not have survived had it been for some friends who took care of me and helped me put my life back together. I want to be able to give that back to them, and to future friends.
30. I can be spontaneous and decide to go to Wal-Mart at midnight. Or leave work early and drink beers at the lake. Or have sex at 2 p.m. Or raid the candy aisle. Whatever.
31. I'll never have to juggle grocery bags, a diaper bag, purse and baby while trying to answer a phone call, unpack my shit and get the kid loaded into the car seat while a criminal takes advantage of my distraction and robs me.
32. No Barney. No Dora the Explorer. No Yo Gabba Gabba. None of that crap!
33. No tripping over toys or bookbags.
34. Since it takes $288,000 for me to raise a child from 0-18 (not counting college), that's $16,000 a year, $1,333 a month. $1,333 a month, people! No, no, no. Way too expensive. That will go to property, savings, retirement, vacation and charity. Not kids.
35. Why would I want a thankless, endless, miserable job? I don't. The 1% Kodak moments don't make up for it.
36. I find PLENTY of joy and fulfillment in myself, my man, my friendships, my hobbies and interests, reading, etc... Children would rob me of 90% of the joy I experience in my life and I would never get over mourning that loss.
37. I'm not going to spend my youth raising children. These are my best years! I'll never get them back!
38. I don't think I could bond very well with an ugly kid, and who knows what you're gonna get.
39. I am not comfortable with the risk of having an unhealthy or disabled child. I couldn't handle it.
40. Teenagers are assholes.
41. Parenting is a very serious job with huge responsibilities. I know this way too well. I know the sacrifice it entails if you're going to do it properly. There is the potential for payoff in the end, but it's a gamble, and I don't want to spend my life living for someone else.
42. When I am too old and I need someone to care for me, they will be paid for doing so. I won't expect someone else to do it for free just because they are related to me.
43. Dying old and alone? Bitch, please. There are 7 billion people on this planet. There is plenty of potential for friendships.
44. I will nurture relationships with those I love and who love me, and they will be there for me throughout life. I don't need kids for care or companionship.
45. I can hang out with kids I know and love and spend quality time with them (and as much or as little money as I want), and give them back to their parents when it's time.
46. Don't have to watch a kid all the time to make sure he doesn't destroy something or hurt himself. I can relax.
47. Don't have to censor what I say or do in my own home.
48. Don't have to hide any tasty food I may have from a greedy toddler.
49. I won't have to be concerned with the education, from school smarts to street smarts and everything else, of children.
50. I am free to be myself, do what I enjoy and live life to the fullest without the burden of a child who would ruin everything.

The Latest from the Regretful Moms

Childfreeeee at the Childfreedom blog just made an eye-opening post, a small collection of stories from women who regret being a mother. I wish the world were a bit more honest; the fact is that many people regret having children, but live silently in hell for fear of judgment. It's time to shed some light on the subject and help people make educated decisions, instead of not being allowed to admit it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

Here are a few gems (minorly edited for brevity):

I was concerned about missing out too, but now that I have kids, I am the one who is totally missing out on life!!

I am missing out on little things like: sleep, regular showers, eating a meal in peace while actually sitting down, NOT tripping over toys, wearing a clean shirt for a whole hour with no drool or food on it….

I am missing out on big things like: my freedom, my independence, quality and quantity time with my husband, tons of money, my career (you are right, the woman’s life is changed so much more), my body, my social life…

I used to have hobbies, interests, workout several time per week and be full of energy, volunteer, read and be aware of current events, travel and experience new places/cultures, be good at my job…now ALL of those are GONE…ALL GONE!

The toll on a woman’s body is huge! I have been dealing with pain, incontinence and sexual problems for over 2 years! I had so much damage from the birth process (just a large baby who forcefully ripped my flesh and pelvis apart)...I just want to be pain-free, be able to hold my pee, enjoy sex with my husband again.

I have three young boys and life is just one wheel of exhaustion and routine. The endless round of domestic chores – feeding, washing and clearing up just never ever ends. I literally feel like I spend my whole life doing it. ...There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it when the house is quiet but oh the irony as more often than not some one wakes at 11pm crying so I never get it done...being a mother is a 24hrs a day, 7 days a week job…..it’s like being on call all of the time. I miss my old life so much. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged, I am tired and exhausted all the time and am eating badly just to get me through each day…..I’ve had some really terrible thoughts like walking out of the door and never coming back but I think the guilt would kill me, so the next best option would be to end my own life…..but I’m such a coward I would never really do it…..I just ‘dream’ of being able to sleep and not wake up to a messy house and people fighting. I read about a lawyer a few months ago, who had just returned to work after her third daughter and she threw herself over into the Thames river in London. All I could think was how sad for her family but I did understand ‘why’ she did it. She must have felt so over whelmed with it all….a job, three young kids, a husband, a house to run…..I understand her.

If you listen closely, you can hear my uterus committing suicide.

--BadSec

I'm so glad I don't have kids

Add this to the multitude of reasons why I don't want to procreate:

Sex After Childbirth

No fucking thank you. How anyone who accepts this as their reality boggles my mind. And people have multiple children. I can't imagine anything more miserable!!

Bullet dodged.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

A recent post from the Childfreedom blog has compiled an eye-opening exposé on the realities of parenthood, Don't Worry, Be Happy.

I read every single one of them, and they are absolutely heartbreaking. They hate being a mother, hate their kids, hate their life, hate their loss of freedom because of children, and hate their ruined relationships. Most of them wanted children or were at least agreeable to it and have turned out massively unhappy. This isn't to say that it happens to every parent, but it's obvious that it is common, though a well-kept secret. There is no out for these people, and they are obligated to perpetuate their misery for many years, if not the rest of their lives. Here are a few that stand out to me:

"I love my son. I do. Unfortunately that doesnt stop me from wishing on a daily basis that I could go back and undo the last 2 years or so of my life. I hate being a mom. I loathe being a mom. I hate that i can't take a shower when I want. That i can't go out with my friends when I want. That going shopping is a mission that sucks the life right out of me. I hate that he screams about everything. I hate that he destroys everything I try to achieve. I had almost found an outlet of sorts for myself by going to the gym 5 days a week and leaving him in the kids club there. He managed to take that from me as well because he can't be civil around other children evidently. I have nothing now except for the endless days of screaming and crying while I watch my life waste away."

"I am so sick of everyone saying how precious this time is and how they grow up so fast. I feel that they can't grow up fast enough. I also have thought that other moms must be lying or fooling themselves when they say that parenthood is the best thing. I am uncomfortable talking with other parents because I am not good at lying or being fake and feel that it is obvious how much I hate being a mom. I also love my husband and long for the good old days when it was just the two of us, independent, free, and enjoying each other. Now we have such a practical/functional relationship...just getting this one fed, this diaper changed, this one to the doctor..... What were we thinking?"

"I spent my youth raising my 3 children. I have driven so many miles to soccer and basketball and football and cheerleading and plays and on and on. I volunteered at the school. I was a brownie troop leader. I read to my kids and made sure they got their shots and visits to the dentist. I took them to church and participated in their lives. They are all in their 40's. I live alone. I have not seen my kids in over 3 years. Two of them live on the opposite side of the country. My daughter has not visited me in over 10 years. If I call her I get voice mail and she may call back and she may not. My youngest got drunk and screamed at me (he's 41) and now does not speak to me. My oldest is the only one with children. He can take them to Germany and Spain and France and Chili and Disneyworld but he has not brought them to see me in 5 years. I have spent the last 15 Christmases, Thanksgivings and birthdays alone. The only time I have felt welcome at his home was when my first grandchild was born. My grandchildren are young teens and I have seen them 6 times. I am older and alone. I live on a fixed income and am not in good health and no one has my back. If I had not had children, I would have had a life and made provisions for being alone in my old age. Now, all I have to look forward to is death. And I will probably be dead days before anyone notices. Maybe if I don't show up for church two Sundays in a row someone might question."

"I don't know if having kids was the right thing to do. I love my kids and am proud of each of them. However, since I raised all 4 of them on my own...without family, friends, or any help from my ex-husband...I am the one that is LEFT ALL ALONE. I deliberately centered all of my work and activities around the kids...and wanted to be the best mom that i could be...in spite of our circumstances. I bought a house, went to work, cleaned the house and spent every night at home with my kids...cooking and doing homework with them. I rarely went out with friends, with the exception of outings with other mothers with their own brood.

Each child has grown into a well adjusted and accomplished person. However, what do I get in return? NOTHING! My daughters rarely call, my sons keep advising me to move to a warmer climate nearer my brothers...and hardly ever make time for even a 10 minute phone call to me."

"I too, wish I did not have a child. My infant daughter sucks the life out of me. Every day, I long to go back to the way my life was pre-baby. I traveled around the world, dined out in peace several times a week with my husband, and was all-around happy with my life. Now, my day consists of changing poopy diapers, washing bottles, feedings, getting throwed up on and screaming sessions. Then, this same routine just repeats, day after day. I don't travel anymore. When my husband and I go out to eat, it ends up being a nightmare and not worth the effort. I miss being able to hop in the car and see a movie with the hubby and staying out late enjoying ourselves. I am now a shell of the person I once was. I am not happy at all. I don't have any love for my daughter and I don't enjoy spending time with her AT ALL. And actually, I don't think she enjoys being with me the slightest, either. She completely annoys me, and I count down the moments until my husband gets home so I can pawn her off on him and get a break. I am lucky to have 20 minutes to myself to sit down and eat something, and relax. Some days I wish I could just adopt her out to someone who would love her, but I have too much pressure on me from family to keep her. My marriage is declining and the relationship with my husband has gotten much worse since the baby was born. I truly just despise the kid. She has ruined my happy life. If I would have known what my life would turn into after having her, I would have NEVER, EVER, EVER had children. Believe me, I will NOT have another one! I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and never had a child to begin with...."

I feel sorry for them, but at the same time there's no way they could not have had an inkling when deciding to have children that their fate would be a possibility. If you take a look around at the haggard parents, the empty wallets, the unfulfilling marriages followed by infidelity and divorce, you can imagine what raising children is like. The pro-natalists advertise only the rosy things, and gloss over the negatives with the all-encompassing phrase, "It's So Worth It."

Potential parents need to understand what their possible life could really be like, because there's no going back. But because of the skinny, beautiful moms on TV who make it look so easy, the wealthy Hollywood mothers who seem to have it all, the sentimental, billion dollar advertising industry depicting of sweet children and cooing babies, people like to stick their heads in the sand and pretend that it can't possibly happen to them.

And when it does, they're too ashamed to admit it. Thanks to the anonymity of the internet, it is starting to come out.

--BadSec

Cost of raising one child

Indulging in my February 2011 edition of Inc. magazine this weekend, I was interested to see the following blurb in the Inc. Data Bank | Crunching the Numbers section:

PERSONAL FINANCE

Average amount U.S. parents spend to raise a child to 18, excluding college tuition:

$286,000

Wowzers!! 286K is no small price tag--and that doesn't include college tuition, boarding costs, and other college expenses. The figure is from the Department of Agriculture, and it offers no other information (such as impact of inflation), but I'm sure it's a reasonable estimate.

How many people would desire parenthood if they knew this little tidbit? I fear many of them will take a "It can't be that bad! We'll take it as it comes" mentality--in fact, I personally know these types. The religious ones who believe that procreation is a divine commandment never once stop to think about the financial or ecological impact of a new human, which I find sickening.

To be fair, I'm sure the cost of a second child wouldn't be so high because that child could possibly be sharing clothes, toys, strollers, and reusable things like that. However, I think the $286K price tag should be displayed on every home pregnancy test, and expressed as a disclaimer on every emotional Johnson & Johnson ad.

Why is there no parental aptitude test? Why can any idiot off the street with a functioning reproductive system get a no-questions-asked pass to parenthood, when to elect to be CF is met with such venomous hostility? Why are the CF not taken seriously and told that they will change their minds, but the same condescending warning isn't given to every single potential parent?

The next time I hear someone say that children will be there to take care of you when you're old, I will remind them that the $286,000 I saved by not breeding will pay for a very comfortable retirement.

--BadSec

This scares the crap out of me

Surprise baby - never wanted children, but....

Ugh. This seriously bothers me. The story of Greg and Janet could have happened to anyone. What if it happens to me?? Logically I know that I don't want kids, ever, but what if emotions and hormones plague me? What would I do? This is exactly what is happening to one of my best friends, and I hate watching her go through it. This woman is brilliant beyond anyone I know, a wonderful scientist, successful, happy, balanced, awesome marriage--and now in her late 20s she's been obsessed with baby rabies. She used to be even more anti-procreating that I am now, in fact at her wedding someone asked her when they were planning on having kids, and I overheard her say, "Oh, we're not that stupid!" Fast forward 2.5 years and her biological clock went in to effect full-force, making her obsessed. We talk about it a lot, and I encourage her in whatever decision she makes. At the same time, I don't personally think she would be happy to have kids, or enjoy the major life changes, or that she is very maternal...but who knows. I do believe it is 100% hormones and emotions. She doesn't even like kids! She is aware of the hormonal and emotional influence (which is temporary, in all likelihood, though it can last for years), and she remains logically opposed to having kids--in fact, she keeps saying how there is no logical reason for her to do so. She can list a thousand reasons why she doesn't want to, yet she admits that in the face of her emotions and hormones these reasons don't matter so much anymore.

So what if this happens to me? I don't feel that it would, but the truth is it might. I generally am very much in control of my emotions and make decisions with my mind, but it seems the maternal instinct is outrageously strong when it strikes. From the very core of my being, I don't want it to happen! I love my childfree life and don't want to screw it up!

What is this beast that it can make logical women make decisions on emotions, all the while knowing it isn't what they want, and they do it anyway? I guess it's a lot like falling in love with the wrong person; except when the love hormones fade away and you find that you're fundamentally incompatible, you can end the relationship. You can't give the baby back, and there's no refund.

--BadSec

Children as insurance in old age

Today I had a brief conversation with an acquaintance about having at least one child so that you will have someone to take care of you when you're old.

*facepalm*

He works in the local shipping office, and as I was waiting for the other fellow to finish wrapping up my boxes, the subject of dogs came up. Of course I had to whip out my iPhone and show pictures of my adorable chocolate lab. I resisted the urge to show more than two pictures because while I love my dog and find him interesting, these guys probably don't. This was fresh on my mind because just yesterday my old boss insisted on showing me pictures of his granddogs, and after the 7th picture I could not utter, "oh, how cute!" any longer.

Anyway, this train of thought made me think of how it must be like for others when people insist on showing them a dozen pictures of their children at every chance. So I laughed and said, "You're lucky I don't have kids or else I'd be boring you with their pictures, too!"

To which the guy said sympathetically, "You'll have them someday."
"Oh, I don't want them."
"What!! (incredulous look) Everyone needs at least one."
"No, they're not for me."
"Who's going to take care of you when you're old?!"
"Myself. With the money I've saved by not blowing it on kids, I will have so much more money to save and invest towards my retirement. I'll be able to pay for my own care when the time comes."
Again, he insisted. "But you don't want to do that!"
"Sure, I do. Besides, having kids as an insurance policy is a bad idea. They may not be around, or able, or willing to take care of me and if for some reason we have a bad relationship they're definitely not going to want to take care of me."

After that the conversation turned elsewhere, thankfully. It was all very lighthearted, though, which I appreciate. Another important point that I didn't mention to this gentleman is that it is grossly unfair to children to bring them into this world and expect them to care for you. I know that's what many people do, especially in the past when children were expected to be workers for the family, but I don't think that it is right. Or secure! Many children have wonderful relationships with their parents, but many don't. It's not exactly a reliable insurance plan.

I wasn't offended by this guy's reaction at all. In fact, I found it amusing...and saddening. It was like he had never before had the thought about voluntary childfreedom. Maybe today planted a seed that choosing not to have children is every much a real, legitimate and desirable option as choosing to have them.

--BadSec

God loves babies

Frequently I ponder the reasons why religious people typically have so many children. Coming from an uber-traditional Catholic brainwashing, I am often so relieved to be set free from the requirement of childbearing that I just can't understand how people would choose to be so controlled--not only for making babies, but for every aspect of control that religion must have. But about religion and breeding. Fundamentalists:

1. Believe all forms of birth control to be immoral
2. Believe procreation is a duty commanded by God
3. Believe they must create souls for the furthering of God's army
4. Don't give a shit (or a very little shit) about the environment

As a feminist, it saddens me greatly to think of the women's lives that have been hurt because of being spiritually coerced into a lifestyle they did not personally choose. I was almost one of those. In general it pains me to think of people who are forced into a life that is not suitable for their personality, but have no choice because "God wills it" and so they never really question it. And in the case of having many children, who would have time to question anything? You barely have time to take a shower! This lack of time is an issue that I think plays a role in many religious people's ability to think objectively about their blind faith, but maybe that's just me being an arrogant secularist.

Can atheists and secularists win in the arena of ideas? I want to say yes, because I am a positive person and I generally believe in the general goodwill of people. Atheism and secularism have more popularity and acceptance than ever before, but as atheists and secularists we are still woefully outnumbered. Atheists have no moral opposition to birth control. We're not stupid enough to believe that an invisible God expects us to breed for him because he's just so damn cuddly he wants more of us to love. We sincerely care about the environment. And if you're childfree like me, you love your life just as it is sans offspring.

Hmm. Maybe we should start breeding like crazy and take over the world!!!

So obviously we might have a problem. Atheists tend to procreate a lot less; does this mean our ideals will not be passed on to future generations? The answer is impossible to tell, but I think there is hope. As our knowledge of the world and culture and the variety of religions and lifestyles increases, as small-minded human beings we have no choice but to accept that there are Other Ways of Living Than Our Own. With acceptance can come understanding; with understanding can come conversion, and I think a good bit of that has happened. The exposure from TV, internet and radio all over the world has--for good or bad--been an eye-opening experience. Humans are naturally curious and what better to spark curiosity than cultural diversity? I think it's ample reason for people to examine their own way of life and to consider others' way. Maybe my religion isn't so right... maybe theirs isn't so wrong... or wait, maybe religion itself is the problem?

Back when the world was a lot more mysterious and small, religion served a purpose as an explanation for very many things. But that was when the Earth was flat, men or horses were gods, and abiogenesis was an accepted theory. As our knowledge increases, our reliance on the mythical decreases. There's a saying among Christians that "a baby is God's way of saying the world should go on." I happen to think it's more like "a baby is biology's way of saying you successfully put your penis in a vagina and ejaculated."

There's a short but good article on this topic at More Intelligent Life called Faith Equals Fertility. Some of the comments are enough to raise my blood pressure, like Tito Edwards:

People of faith are more open to having children because they love God. God is life, so what better way to celebrate life than to have children. Hence the Culture of Life. Secularists, atheists, non-theists, tend to not believe in something more than themselves, so they think ONLY of themselves. High rates of narcissism are rampant amongst non-believers so hence you have higher rates of abortions. Abortions are more prevalent since non-believers are pretty selfish and since they don't believe life beyond their material existense they want evertying now. Sex without responsbility is probably the number one narcisistic value amongst non-believers. Why have children sucking away your money, when that money can be better spent on vacations, a second home, third car, misstress, etc. It's rather quite simple. But as St. Thomas Aquinas said, "those with faith, no explanation is necessary. Those without faith, no explanation is possible."


In Jesus, Mary, & Joseph,


Tito

Oh, Tito. How I used to be brainwashed just like you. You're a typical Catholic idiot, but you've made some interesting points.

People of faith are more open to having children because they love God. God is life, so what better way to celebrate life than to have children. Hence the Culture of Life.

Pardon me while I facepalm for a moment. Ok, now that that's out of the way--do you have proof of God? Didn't think so. You have only a man-made religion full of rules and regulations that say you must behave in a certain way or the all-loving God will send you to hell for not obeying him. Gosh, he sounds so sweet! But that kind of belief is an excellent way of keeping the peons under control, isn't it? What you meant to say is that your religion dictates that you must have children, that birth control is evil, but they sugarcoat this rule by making you feel superior to others because you are "open to life." Did it ever occur to you that banning birth control will effectively increase the Catholic Church's membership on purpose, thereby increasing its profits and control over people's lives? Kind of like how our government and Hollywood glamorizes joining the military.

Secularists, atheists, non-theists, tend to not believe in something more than themselves, so they think ONLY of themselves. High rates of narcissism are rampant amongst non-believers so hence you have higher rates of abortions. Abortions are more prevalent since non-believers are pretty selfish and since they don't believe life beyond their material existense they want evertying now. Sex without responsbility is probably the number one narcisistic value amongst non-believers.

Sorry, I must have forgotten the part where we met. You seem to think you know everything about me. For the record, retard, abortion is not always done for selfish reasons. And what's so wrong about sex without responsibility? Why is procreation a requirement? You would have sex "without responsibility" too if you could. But your religion has convinced you that you can't, so you tell yourself that you're better for being so responsible. Pompous much?

Why have children sucking away your money, when that money can be better spent on vacations, a second home, third car, misstress, etc.

That's the most sense you've made! Though not a complete list, those are definitely some attractive reasons for not having kids. Except the mistresses part; I've no need for those.

But as St. Thomas Aquinas said, "those with faith, no explanation is necessary. Those without faith, no explanation is possible."

Right on, right on, brother! You Christians love your blind faith. No explanation is necessary to those with faith because they are so certain they have all the answers; "God" gave them to the answers--or maybe it's just a bunch of people with a magical story.

I need to go relax now and get my blood pressure back down. Maybe I should do some offensive New Age Yoga.

--BadSec

Thanks, Wallyworld

Whenever I get the urge to have kids, I'm going to make myself take a trip to Wal-Mart.

I hate Wal-Mart for a myriad of reasons, but I've some newfound appreciation for the hellhole now. Wal-Mart (and the like) is an overwhelming dose of daily reality, served in migrainous gobs of fluorescent light. My last trip there several days ago I saw a toddler making a game of repeatedly tossing his shoe onto the floor after every time the mother put it back on--it put a smug smile of satisfaction on my face. There are definitely worse behaviors, but the shoe-throwing is one of only thousands that parents must endure every day.

I have no hatred for children (quite the opposite) and I have utter respect for parents (the good ones). I don't know how they do it. I couldn't do it, no way.

The two times I ever consider reproducing are when I'm experiencing Evil Reproduction Hormones and when a Hollywood movie makes it seem fun and easy. Thankfully the hormones are infrequent and my mind has always overcome them, but during intense attacks it's enough to make me feel batty. Bipolar. Irrational. I can completely understand how women who experience the biological urge, and who have not thought seriously about the consequences of children, succumb to the hormones and become obsessed with being pregnant. What I've found happens to me during these days is that my emotional focus is on the cutesy fun things--a cute pregnant belly, buying all the fluffy blankets and baby clothes, precious snapshots stuck on the fridge, exciting Christmases, showing a child the wonders of the world. Never once does my hormonally charged body think about all the ugly things--sleep deprivation, post-baby body, no free time, spitup and poop, hospital bills, teenage rebellion, no money, college tuition, crappy sex life and being a perpetual babysitter.

But Hollywood makes it look so great! Happy couples with nice homes and plenty of free time tote around an adorable kid who is always well-behaved and respectable, smart too. Somehow the house is never dirty or noisy, and Mom is easily able to juggle home life and work, and look like a supermodel doing it. But then I take a look around me at the reality of everyday life. It's decidedly unglamorous. And exhausting.

Even though I am happily childfree and secure in my decision to remain so, it is still a constant battle within myself and with society because of the bombardment of social pressure. The notion that we CF need to explain and defend ourselves is ridiculous; but the fact is, we frequently must do so. I look for the day where deciding not to have kids will be just as controversial deciding not to travel to Hawai'i, but go to Florida instead. The internet is a fabulous tool for exposing the CF life and offering support for its followers; we who are CF need to offer positive exposure to the lifestyle by rationally discussing it with others, and by proudly showing off our happy selves. There are many paths to happiness, and I for one am tired of the arguing about it.

--BadSec

Parenting Magazine: An effective (mental) contraceptive

Despite my feelings towards childfreedom (and my daily rejoicing in my childlessness), as a twenty-something woman my biology gets in the way occasionally. Googly-eyed babies are temptingly cute. I do love kids, I do. I have nothing against children, I just don't think I need my own. It was in a moment of weakness and morbid curiosity that I grabbed a copy of Parenting in the waiting room at my doctor's office today.

Thank God--er, thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster--for this magazine. It is the best birth control.

People ought to think about baby-making before they do it. Many weren't planning to get pregnant but do anyway. An enormous group of women become hormonally deranged and won't stop until they get pregnant, not realizing that they may or may not be ready or even right for the job. A friend of mine, otherwise an intelligent young woman, secretly went off of her birth control because she wanted a baby so bad she couldn't see straight. Still more women get pregnant because their religion says they must, but that's another story. A depressing amount of women never give motherhood a second thought. They just do it. The excitement of pink and blue baby blankets and rubber duckies at bath time is just too irresistible and no consideration is given to the serious commitment, work and responsibility.

But I digress. After reading an article on sex after children, I felt oh-so-validated. Unfortunately I can't find the exact article online, but you can read a very similar article here. Main problems:

1. Too tired
2. Post-baby body
3. No sex drive
4. No privacy
5. No spontaneity/scheduled sex
6. Feeling used/underappreciated

Uuuuuugh!! I know people find ways around these problems, and kudos for them. But let's me honest--it's not as good as it once was. It's pretty much non-existent. And unless you're Angelina Jolie, the post-baby body will be decidedly unsexy. I love my sex life. I do not want to tamper with it at all. Then there's the money problem. Reproducing is insanely expensive, from the birth to college and everything inbetween.

Life is great just as it is, thank you very much!! :D

--BadSec

My journey to peace in Childfreedom

Today may finally be the day when I feel totally at peace with my decision to remain child-free. I reserve the right to change my mind, of course. ;) But I really don't think I will.

Heretofore my reasons for wanting to have children have been inadequate and erroneous. At first it was thoughtless--isn't that what people do?, my adolescent mind thought. Then as a late teen I came to believe (as I had been brainwashed) that children were a requirement, the sole purpose of marriage and that any form of contraception is mortally sinful. This idea was slightly crushing as I'm a natural romantic and oodles of noisy child withy snotty faces and poopy diapers pretty much killed the mood. Still, I've always had fun with kids and I resolved to soldier on and make everything work somehow. When I married at age 19 (big mistake) I temporarily resolved the problem by avoiding sex as much as possible, then eventually resorting to Natural Family Planning--a natural method of pregnancy avoidance sanctioned by the Catholic church only if used under grave circumstances. My circumstances were certainly not grave, but I justified it by promising God I would have kids, just not yet.

Fast forward two years: I was horrified to find out I had become pregnant. Even though NFP is allowable to a Catholic the fact that I did not have any "grave" circumstances would have meant that for me to have attended formal NFP classes would have caused a rather juicy scandal in our traditional families, so I never did. I self-educated and read as much as I could. NFP is very effective but of course there is still a chance of pregnancy; whether or not I incorrectly practiced it or I fell under the umbrella of the unlucky few destined to get pregnant, I'll never know. Looking back, I don't know why I just didn't get on the damn Pill. Sure, the phrase "the Pill" had been whispered like a dirty word in my family, and I had been told repeatedly that birth control forced spouses to view each other as sexual objects...even so, I myself never felt opposed to it but I refrained from it because I believed I had to.

Those early days of pregnancy were hell for me. I was severely depressed, and it wasn't because of hormones. It was because I was not ready. I felt like my life was over before it had begun. How was I supposed to finish college now? My grandmother-in-law asked me once, "Well honey, are you excited?" And I had to be honest--"No." I had married not only too young before I even knew who in the hell I was, but I couldn't have chosen husband more wrong for me. Not a bad person, but we were oil and water in practically every way. So with the pregnancy, now I was stuck with him, forever. As wrong as I felt it was, I suddenly understood why women considered abortion, though in my inexperience I had always judged them as selfish, evil pricks.

Eventually I came to accept my pregnancy and tried to find ways to look forward to it, and had made up my mind that after the baby was born, no matter what there would not be another child for many years. I had lost some of my freedom but I would never willingly lose any more of it. As I got farther along, I enjoyed the maternity clothes and the attention from strangers (I was darn cute), but I still hated being pregnant. I wanted my body back. The fact that there was a living being inside of me completely freaked me out! Some women cherish that, but I felt severely uneasy about it, like an alien had deposited its slimy green young in me and there was no way of getting it out. The farther along I got, the happier I became because I knew it would be over soon. The end came sooner than I expected, though. At 27 weeks I found out that my son had passed away, and 36 hours later I gave birth to my stillborn baby boy.

It was very sad, and it was very hard. The mystery of his death will forever bother me and I wouldn't wish that journey on anyone. It was and is very painful, and I can't imagine the pain experienced by women in that situation who were happy to be pregnant. In the anonymity of the internet, I can confess that despite my grief I felt an immense, peaceful relief. I could start over. I had a second chance. On my first checkup my doctor said to me, "In about six more weeks you will be healthy enough that you can start trying again for another one." All I could think of was, "Why in the heck would I want to?!" But I suppose in her experience many women nowadays are pregnant because they wanted to be, and since I was a stable, married, healthy young woman, I must have wanted a baby.

A year later my husband and I went our separate ways, and it was the first right decision I made in my adult life. For the first time, I was reaching beyond my little closeted religious prison and asking the big questions that were never even suggested to me during my upbringing. Who am I? What do I love? What do I hate? What do I want? What are my passions? Where is my originality and individuality? These questions will sound selfish to the religious mind. We are told over and over that our purpose in life is to know, love and serve God (thanks, Baltimore Catechism). See, kid? Your future is all figured out, your role planned. My own mother, an independent woman with a Masters degree, founder of a quality, private high school once mused on the pointlessness of educating girls, since they were destined to be (1) nuns or (2) stay-at-home mothers. Don't even get me started...

You see, my road to childfreedom is deeply intertwined with my road to agnosticism and atheism. But I will try not to go into the rest of the story for now. Just know that after finally asking the bigger questions, I've come to understand who I am a little bit more. I love kids, and I feel very strongly about volunteering with and promoting adoption for abused children, but I personally am not mother material. I love my life as it is, and I know my limitations. I like peace and quiet. I like to be able to sleep in. I like a clean house. I like to save my money. I like my freedom to build my businesses. I like to have date night every night and not have to scramble to find a babysitter. I like being able to travel, or even just make a random trip to the grocery store. I really like not having to carry a diaper bag. I like being able to have sex wherever, whenever and as loud as I want in my own house. I like not having to potty train. I like my babyless body. I like not having to pay college tuition.

I could go on and on. Call me selfish if you like, but I will stand proudly and tell you that at least I am thinking through my decision and not randomly procreating because I can't think of anything better to do, or because I am a religious nut who won't use contraception. I'm an informed, intelligent adult. There are things that I know I will miss out on, like Kodak moments or hopefully giving my child a better upbringing than I had. But when I really get to the heart of the issue, those things don't matter to me so much. On a practical level, I will be a million percent more prepared for retirement with the money I save, enough to buy myself a cushy nursing home stay or in-home care. Having kids as insurance is a shitty thing to do, and grossly unfair to your offspring. On an emotional level, when I look around me I have dozens of deep, fulfilling relationships, from a wonderful man whom I love deeply, to friends and relatives, to the children of my friends who call me Aunt. As I get older these relationships will only deepen and grow, and new and wonderful ones will be formed along the way. Those Thanksgiving dinners in the future may not include my offspring, but there will be amazing people who are just as much in my heart.

So do I need a googly-eyed young'un to come out of my vajayjay for my life to be meaningful and fulfilling? No, not I. Freedom, adventure, charity and creativity are what I need in my life.

-- BadSec